Saturday

I had the best of plans to get up early and go for my first fall morning run today, Yes, the first day of fall is tomorrow but it feels like fall today and I wanted to celebrate with a run.

Everyone who knows me knows I love summer. I love having my kids home with me, the warm weather, swimming, paddleboarding, hiking and everything else that goes alone with summer. I like spring because it's closer to summer and it defrosts the cold winter weather. But fall is my favorite!

Living in Sacramento in the fall is great. We have lots, and lots, and lots of trees here. We have so many trees, one of the city's nicknames is "city of trees". As kids we learn in school that Sacramento is second only to Paris, France for the city with the most trees per capita in the world! (I am aware that it has been a long time since I was a child in school and that fun fact might not be fact anymore but I'm still proud of it.) While some of our tree population are evergreens many are not and we are treated to a rainbow of colored leaves every fall. Did I mention I love trees?

Back to today. I was going to get to up early and run! I was excited about this. I even fell asleep thinking about where I would run even though I was watching a show with Jeremy. I expected to wake up to my alarm going off and the house quiet full of my sleeping family. Instead, I woke up to my family talking in the kitchen, the sun already high in the sky and me in the bed alone. I was stiff and had a awful headache from the lack of caffeine in my blood stream. I looked at my phone and it was almost 10:00AM! What happened??? What happened to my glorious fall celebratory fun? And where is the coffee?

As I type, I'm drinking my coffee and the computer screen is slowly coming into better focus. (Thank goodness for spell check.) and I am trying to figure out what went wrong. For starters, my allergies have been really bad and my skin has been paying the price. Dry skin + eczema + season change = miserable Anna. Last night I decided to take a few of my dermatologist prescribed antihistamines in an effort to get a better night's sleep. I can only take them when I know I have time for a full night's sleep because whether I have time or not, that's what I'll be getting. They knock my ass out! Those little pills could have something to do with sleeping half the day away but I think they were only a contributing factor. Honestly, I think I'm just really tired. I had a similar over sleeping episode last Saturday too. Only, I don't remember taking my pills that time and I over slept even more than today. I think I'm just tired.

My work week has never been a walk in the park (even though it includes many walks in the park). Most days I get up at 4:30AM. I'm in the gym by 5:00 and back home by 6:00. I get the kids up, ready for school and make their lunches. Daycare opens at 6:30, Sam leaves for school at 7:00, Nevyn leaves at 7:30. Most of my daycare kids are here by breakfast, served at 8:30, and everyone is here by 9:00. We have lunch at noon, a snack after nap at 3:00 and everyone, my family included, has diner at 6:00. Daycare closes at 6:30 at which point I spend time with my kids, clean up after diner and take care of any other chores that need to be done before going to bed. It's a long and busy day but not more than I can handle, most of the time.

The dynamic of daycare has changed a lot. I used to have one infant, one toddler, three preschoolers and two schoolagers. Now that school is back in full swing I have an almost all new group of kids. Now I have two infants, one preschooler and three toddlers. In this case, you can substitute the word "toddler" for "2 year old". Yes, I have three 2 year olds. I love all my daycare kids like family. They  may as well all be my nieces and nephews because that's how I feel about them so please don't get the idea that I don't care for or like them. But it is a challenge. It's been years since I had a group like this. In fact, those kids who just left to go to school were the last group like this. That's how this business is. So it's going to take me some time to readjust to my new workload and I think that's the underlying reason I've over slept two Saturdays in a row. I think I will stop setting my alarm for Saturdays for a while and plan on running on Sunday mornings instead. My body is being pretty obvious that it needs some extra rest on Saturday mornings.

I'm still here and I'm still running

In case you you didn't notice, I stopped blogging... I've thought about blogs to write and even started a few as "drafts" but they seemed boring and dry so I never posted them. But today I feel like writing so I'm here to catch up on my races.

The last race I blogged about was the Running on the Elk half marathon in Elk Grove. That was in April... and it's September now... Thankfully I journal on the back of my race bibs so I don't have to actually remember the races I skipped blogging about. Here's a quick wrap-up of each race.

Zoo Zoom 5K April 14, 2013, 38:30
It's hard to believe that this was my first 5K since the Lou Gehrig run in January but it was. I knew my time wouldn't be anywhere close to my 5K PR so I chose to treat this run like a fun run. I, of course recored my time, but I wasn't going to seriously compare it to any of my past 5K's. I've been training for distance not speed and even tough this was a short race my legs got tight about half way through. Jeremy and the kids came to this one and their presence always make the finish special for me. Nevyn did the kids half mile. This was his first event since he broke his clavicle. He was vey excited! He hadn't done anything very physical in months and we were very proud of him for getting out there and participating. He had a goal of finishing in six minutes. He crushed that with a 5:30 finish!    

American River Parkway Half Marathon May 4, 2013, 3:46:21

This was half number 5 out of my year of 13. At the start I was only mildly cold in my shorts and tank top and this made me nervous. I like to be uncomfortably cold at the beginning of races, especially half marathons. Otherwise I run the risk of getting too hot too fast which can lead to a disaster. The temperature rose quickly and it didn't take long for me to get overheated. All year I hadn't been running with a hydration belt and that was a mistake for this race. For the first time ever I got dehydrated on the course and fought off muscle cramps in my legs and feet in the later miles. I was forced to walk the last five miles and I was miserable. The silver lining to this situation was meeting Iris. She's a middle aged woman with five kids, in nursing school who was running her first event. She's not a new runner and can out distance me day but she had never participated in a race before. She had a huge smile and is one of the happiest people I've ever met. She made those last five miles bearable for me and I'm sure that meeting her wasn't any coincidence. I finished in 3:46:21 not a time that makes me smile but this year is all about crossing the finish line and I did that with a new friend and that does make me smile.

Mermaid Series Half Marathon, East Bay May 11, 2013, 3:44:12
Yay, I love Mermaid events! I had joined Team Mermaid earlier in the year and have been training with the Mermaids for this event. Tracy, my running/yoag/Bodypump buddy came with me and ran the 5K. This event is in Fremont and I normally stay at a near by Motel 6. Cheesy, I know but also cheap and since I have to get up and be at the event location before the sun it seems silly to pay money on a more expensive room for a few hour of sleep. Tracy however, disagrees and didn't think the low expense is worth the Motel 6 experience, lol. If she comes with me next year we'll spurge for a nicer room somewhere else :) This race starts on an unpaved trail around Quarry Lakes. I have done this race for the last three years and I know it starts as a trail run but I seem to get amnesia during training and never train on trails. Because of this repeated newbie mistake my times here are never as good as they could be. However I was also contending with the heat. In the past it has been relatively cool while on the course. It gets a little warmer later on but not enough to need my hydration belt. This was not the case this year. It got hot! In addition to these other obstacles I had a cyst that had ruptured the day before the race and the placement of this monstrosity made it very painful to run. I spent a lot of time walking. Have I ever mentioned that I am the slowest walker on the planet? Well, I am... This was my first Mermaid event as a Team Mermaid member and it was GREAT having so many other Mermaids, Tracy and my coach cheering for me through the finish chute. At least it was a better experience and time than the American River half, even though it was by only two minutes.

Women's Fitness Festival 5K June 2, 2013, 39:25
June brings the event that got me back into training in the first place. The Women's Fitness Festival! Tracy also did this one with me and she had a great race, finishing well before me. The weather this summer was pretty typical for Sacramento (HOT!) but what made this year different was how early it got hot. By the time this event started I was already feeling warm. By the time we got to the first mile I was overheated and kind of miserable. I got slowed down by other runners more than usual. There were a lot of kids on the course this year, which I love to see, but they stop abruptly and frequently and that adds a little extra challenge. I even had to stop half a block from the finish line due to congestion and kids without break lights. I finished in 39:25. It's a slow time but still two minutes faster than last year's event.

Mermaid Duathlon, Alameda June 9, 2013, 1:54:27
June also brought my first ever multi sport event. I did a duathlon! Here's the break down of each sport. run-1.5 miles, bike-12 miles, run-2.5 miles. I felt strong on the first leg and the first bike loop. There was a pretty strong headwind after the turnaround on the bike so by the time I did the second bike loop I was feeling tired. My pace slowed considerably and when I left the transition area my legs where weak and wobbly. The third leg was hard and I walk most of the first part. When I got to the turn-about I decided to "finish strong" and I ran as much as I could force myself to run. I powered through the finish to the welcoming arms of my teammates and my husband. This was challenging but so much fun! Run-17:39, Bike-58:16, Run-35:52, Total 1:54:27

The Superhero 5K June 16, 2013
Nevyn and I did this together and it was a lot of fun. We saw a lot of people in consume and started thinking of ideas for next year :) We ran in the capes they gave up at the packet pick up. Nevyn showed off his awesomeness all over the course by jumping over cones and trying to ditch me. When the finish was in sight she sped away and finished with a big smile on his face! I don't have a time recorded for this race. I don't know why but it doesn't matter. It was so much fun it must have been unmeasurable.

The Moonlight Half Marathon, Davis July 13, 2013, 3:34:42

This was hot and miserable! I will NOT be doing this event ever again. I had a another cyst during this race and was told by my doctor to walk it and to stop if it started to bother me. I took water with me this  time. I knew it was going to be hot and I would be on the course for a long time. I think the hydration belt makes the distance of the half marathon even harder... An hour into the the race it was still 91 degrees outside but as soon as the sun started to drop in the sky and went below the tree line it got cooler and even comfortable. By this time I had been walking for a long time and my feet where getting sore. (Walking long distances in running shoes are hard on my feet.) Around mile seven I got a burst of energy and started to run. If felt so good to run! I ran for as long as I felt like running then walked till  I wanted to run again. I did this for the rest of the race and finished in 3:34:42.

The Giant Race, San Francisco August 4, 2013, 3:11:39
This was a great race! The weather was perfect and turned out to be my best time of the year. I always love running in the city. The course started in from of AT&T Park, went down the embarcadero, through the wharf, down to Crissy Field, to the the
bridge and back. On the way back we ran though the park around Fort Mason. This was the steepest climb and downhill was a little painful but it was very short. Most of the course was flat. I got to mile ten faster than I had expected and entered the ball park before Jeremy expected. He had to scramble to get a picture of me coming though the finish line. I finished in 3:11:39!

The Whole Foods Running School Half Marathon, Roseville September 1, 2013, 3:19:40
This is another event I wont be doing in the future. I was hot and because it was in miner's ravine it was beautiful but lots of little, steep hills. This was a very small race, less than 120 runner. This means that the back of the packers, like me, become the end of the packers. I finished before two other participants. When I turned the last corner to see the finish line I stopped and called back to the girl behind me asking if she wanted to finish together. That was what she needed to pick up her pace and "finish strong". I ran a little faster than her so I crossed a few seconds before her but because it was past the three hour time limit the even organizers had already taken down the timing equipment  so I don't have an official finish time. According to my watch I finished in 3:19:40.

Clo-Cow Half Marathon, Petaluma September 15, 2013
I didn't have a very good attitude going into this race. I knew it was going to be hilly and I hadn't trained properly for hills. That was made painfully clear when I ran the Whole Foods run two weeks before. That race went so badly I had already made up my mind that Clo-Cow was going to be just as bad or even worse. Originally, Jeremy was going to go with me but his work schedule changed and no longer had the time off. This intensified my "I don't wanna!" attitude. The race started in downtown Petaluma and would go through farmland to the turn-about point. As we ran through the streets I noticed we were about half a block from the parking garage where my car was waiting for me. I actually thought about ditching the race. But I didn't. I kept going while thinking up reasons and excuses to quit. We left downtown and headed up our first climb. I ran part of it and walked part of it but it wasn't too bad. As we headed into farmland my attitude started changing. As always, and especially during of town races, I focused on the scenery and my surroundings. The hills made for a beautiful landscape. The houses would really pretty, the animals where fun and the locals were amazing. I ran past cows, sheep, horses, donkeys, chickens, dogs, kids and whole families out there supporting the runners. At one point a horse paced me to the end of it's property line. It was pretty amazing. The cows where mooing and the poor dogs didn't know what to do with the heard of people running up and down the roads.  The longest climb was just over a mile long and we were rewarded with an aid station and the turn-about. Up hill is brutal but I like it more than going downhill. Going down hill is complicated, at least for me it is. If I run down it too fast I risk injuring my knees. If I walk down hill my feet slide in my shoes (yes, they are the correct size for me) and cause friction which leads to raw feet. I have to find a happy middle ground for my body so I compromise with a jog. I keep it soft on my knees but my feet aren't on the ground long enough for my feet to slide. It works pretty well most of the time. In most races mile 10 is where the my race becomes more of a mental challenge than a physical one but this race was different. I was tired by the time I got to mile 10 but not like I normally am. In fact, I was only mildly uncomfortable and that really made me happy. I finished the race at a  good pace with a time of 3:17:32. Two full minutes better than the race two weeks before and only five minutes slower than my best time of the year. I couldn't ask for a better outcome.

Okay, I'm all caught up on my races up to this point. This goal of finishing thirteen half marathons in 2013 has proven to be harder than I had thought it would be. I'm really tired. I'm now taking a week off from training after every race to give body body a chance to recover. I only have three left and as long as I don't get injured  think I'll be able to finish.

          

Anna, why are you such a huge fan of the Goo Goo Dolls?

When I was a kid, a young kid, I had a pretty great family life. My dad worked his ass off running his company and doing odd jobs whenever he could find them in the 80's. I never went without even though my mom was a stay-at-home and we where in a recession. When he wasn't working dad was taking me on bike rides on the river trail, taking me fishing, taking all of us camping and building me and my sister doll house furniture. My mom and I had a great relationship and spent a lot of time together. We would go out on lunch dates, she took me to musicals at Music Circus, endless trips to McKinley park, dance lessons, swim lessons, ice cream at Gunther's, she was my campfire leader and she was always the mom with the most classroom hours at the end of the school year. I had a very close relationship my aunt even though she always lived out of state and I had the love and support from my grandparents and other extended family members. I had an amazing childhood but somewhere along the way it slowly started to fall apart. 

When I was ten my parents split up and life was never the same again. My mother had made some new friends in our neighborhood and soon became a party mom. Her drug use which had been minimal in the past became a recreational activity and eventually became the focus of her life. That left my sister and me to fend for ourselves. I'm older by five years so I stepped up and made sure we had dinner every night, got our homework done and tucked my sister into bed while mom was "at the store" for hours. Once my sister was in bed I would wait up and make sure mom got home okay. As soon as I saw her pull up to our house I would quietly go to bed. 

Middle school is a time for kids to explore different sides of their personality and for exploring who they want to be. I was struggling. I didn't think I had a personality and was afraid of the person I might be. After all, if my mother had given up on me I didn't have much chance of being a likable and lovable person. At that time I didn't understand that addiction was an illness and had nothing to do with me. I tried to do really well in school thinking that maybe that would make my mother proud and me worthy of her affection. After middle school I became obsessed with my grades. It was the only part of my life I had control over so I put everything I had into them. My grades continued to get better and I eventually graduated high school with a 4.0.

I didn't talk about my life with anyone. Looking back, I don't remember being embarrassed or fearing judgment from others so I don't think that's why I never talked about what was going on. I think being away from home was a welcome break from the stress and gave me the opportunity to be a kid so I kept my two lives separate. My best friend didn't even know. We have been very close since we were in the fourth grade and had spent lots of time at each other's houses. Back then our household dysfunction wasn't yet obviouse to the casual visitor. In the last few years I have shared more of my story with her and anyone else who asks and she's always surprised by what my reality was. 

In 1995 I was in the eighth grade and I spent a lot of time in my room listening to music. My tastes were changing and I was listening to less of the R&B I grew up with, and that my mother still listened to, and more rock. One day I heard a song titled "Name" by the Goo Goo Dolls and it quickly became my favorite. As soon as I got paid (I worked as an assistant at a family child care home) I went out and got their album, "A Boy Named Goo" and listened to it nonstop when I was home. When my mother was out of the house, which was frequently, I would turn up the volume as high as I could stand and listen to it while laying on my floor. The vibrations in my chest was comforting to me and I identified with the songs "Name" and "Naked".  They aren't uplifting songs by any means but they made me feel less alone. Like I had some kind of connection. Music is like that.

The next few years (my first two years of high school) got worse but then, life changed again and, things got better. I wasn't as alone as I thought I was. When I was dealing with my demons there where people who loved me and cared about me trying to make things better without making anything worse. This might not make much sense right now but someday I'll write about the next chapter in my life and where these people were when I was fourteen and fifteen and the pieces will start to fit together. 

Throughout the changes life thew at me the Goo Goo Dolls became a constant and continued to be a source of comfort and connection. "Name" isn't my favorite anymore, the Goos have released five albums since then, (not counting the greatest hits, teasers and concert disks, and yes, I have them ALL) but when I hear "Name" live I get misty eyed. Not because of the hardships and not-so-good memories but because it reminds me that I'm resilient and comfort can be found even at the worst of times.  

And that's how I became obsessed with the Goo Goo Dolls :)

Running of the Elk wrap up and Acupuncture

Last Wednesday I went to my Team Mermaid workout and did a total of four miles. The next three days I paid for it dearly. The plantar fasciitis in my left foot was making itself known and I was getting very concerned about my half marathon the following Sunday. I had decided that I would take it easy and even walk the 13.1 miles if I needed to.

I had been excited for this race but dreading it at the same time. Excited because it would be my first event in my new shoes and I had about three weeks to recover from my last half. Dreading because over those three weeks I had been ill and got almost no training done. If you have been following this blog then you know all about my training troubles.

On race day my foot was bothering me during the drive from my home in the Arden area all the way to Elk Grove. I took that as a reminder to just enjoy the day and not worry about anything else. I spend the 45 minutes before the race walking loops around the expo. At first it was to see what venders where out but then it was just to keep warm and loose. Walking expo loops can get boring. But the Nissan booth and a Quest (Nissan's minivan) out there. I have been wanting one for a long time and I really like their new body style so it was pretty awesome to get an up close look at it.

Side note: We are a Nissan family. Over the course of our relationship Jeremy and I have owned five Nissan's. When I first met Jeremy (I was in high school) he had a Frontier. After Samantha was born we got a Sentra (in heat wave), after Nevyn was born we got another Sentra. Not long after that Jeremy got a Maxima and he now has a 370 Z.

Back to race day. I remembered my watch this time so I was better able to run/walk my 30 second splits. This was great I finished the first 5K in 37 minutes, a really good time for me. Unfortunately, because I wasn't as conditioned as I would have liked to be I wasn't able to keep up that pace for the entire race. As the miles went on I got more and more tired and had to take more walking breaks but that's okay. I finished the race in 3:18:12, not bad considering I hadn't been training. Even better, the next day my foot had not hurt as bad as I thought it would. In fact, I was able to walk almost normally on it.

On Monday I had my first acupuncture appointment. I was amazed by the initial results. After he placed five needles in my hand he had me walk around. My foot felt instantly better. I could still feel the stretching of the plantar fascia but it didn't cause pain in my heal. It's been two days since my treatment. Some pain did come back later that day and the next morning but I have been walking better. I'm interested to see how I'll feel after my Mermaid workout this evening. He's not sure yet how many treatments it will take to heal my condition. When I tell him how long the initial treatment lasted he'll have a better idea on the whole picture. I'm optimistic! I just wish insurance covered more of the treatment. They will only cover 80% or $25 (so, $20) and the treatment are about $105 so it's actually more cost effective to pay out of pocket. They charge $65 of you have insurance but pay on your own.

My next event is the Zoo Zoom this up coming Sunday. I'm doing the 5K and I'm super excited about it! I'm treating it like a fun run. I'm going to go all out, give it everything i have and have fun! It'll be a no stress run :)

Shamrock'n wrap up

Okay, I know this is very late but I just haven't been in the blogging mood. I've been a little stressed out. I seem to have a new ailment every week and every weekend I've been stuck in bed so my training is suffering and as a result, so are my race times. I know I said from the beginning of this crazy 13 in '13 goal that I wasn't going to stress on times this year since I have so many half of marathons on my race schedule but three hours is ridicules! So my little illness depression has made it harder for me to get on here and blog.

The day of the Shamrock'n half was a great day for or a run. The sun was shinning, it was a little cold at the start but not bad. The volunteers where great, the crowds or people cheering us on where great but I did not have a great race. Let me rewind to the weekend before this event. It was the Lucky Run half and around mile 9 my feet were killing me. That familiar feeling you get when you have exceeded the amount of miles your shoes where intended for. If you're not runner you may never experience this feeling so I'll explain what it feels like for me. My feet start to feel achy and sore at the same time and usually start to rub raw in places they have never rubbed raw in before. So the last four miles of that event where not good. I actually had to walk most of it. It was pretty obviously I needed new shoes. However, I had this event the next weekend and I didn't think I would have enough time to break in a new pair of shoes. This whole situation is every familiar to me. I ran the Shamrock'n in bran new shoes last year for the same reason and I was miserable for the entire race. I chose to wear the old shoes this year. It was painful but looking back I would have made the same choice. The next day I went down to Fleet Feet and got some new kicks and I am so excited to run my next event in them!

If I choose to run this again next year I need to remember to get new shoes in late January or early February. It would be awesome to come running around the warning track at Raley Field not feeling like I just shot myself in both feet.

Now for the medical crap. The week before the Shamrock'n half I was diagnosed with MRSA. If you don't know what that is don't feel bad, I didn't know either. This is what WebMD said:

Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (MRSA) is a bacterium that causes infections in different parts of the body. It's tougher to treat than most strains of staphylococcus aureus -- or staph -- because it's resistant to some commonly used antibiotics.

The symptoms of MRSA depend on where you're infected. Most often, it causes mild infections on the skin, like sores or boils. But it can also cause more serious skin infections or infect surgical wounds, the bloodstream, the lungs, or the urinary tract.

Though most MRSA infections aren't serious, some can be life-threatening. Many public health experts are alarmed by the spread of tough strains of MRSA. Because it's hard to treat, MRSA is sometimes called a "super bug."

I was on a round of two antibiotics, eye drops and ointment. It sucked! And it sucked all my energy. Like it's not hard enough to get moving after a twelve hour workday and chores and feeding the family. But it's all gone now.

Now I'm getting ready for the Running of the Elk half. It'll be this Sunday and yesterday I had a root canal. Over the weekend and half of last week I missed all my workouts because of an infection in a broken molar. I'll be finishing up yet another round of antibiotics tomorrow. I really hope this is it for a while. It would be nice to get some training in and have a respectable race time. Is that asking for too much? I don't think so.

Lucky Run Wrap Up & Team Mermaid, Sacramento

Half marathon #2 is in the bag. This was the first time I ran the Lucky Run in Davis. It was a beautiful day for an event (I could have done without the wind) and everyone I came across was in great spirits. I've never had a bad experience with race day volunteers but the folks at this event was among I the best ever! They help motivate and everyone of them had a smile on their face.

This was a challenging race for me. My right hamstring with bothering me before I even started and I had forgotten my watch at home. This meant I didn't have a timer to run my usual 30 second walk/run intervals. So instead I ran till I was tired and walked till I felt recovered. This was great, at first. I was running longer than I usually do but I wore out my feet and legs too early in the race. By the time I got to mile nine my feet where so tired they hurt. I actually walked the last 5K. On the up side, hard races make me value the finisher medal a little more. I earned that sucker.

I started training with my new team this week. Team Mermaid has come to Sacramento and I couldn't be happier! It feels great to be apart of a team again. We did a short run and lower body work on Wednesday and today (Friday) we did a strength workout focusing on upper body. It was challenging but I felt like a rockstar when I got home.

Tomorrow I plan on taking my bike on the the American River bike trail for the first time. I'll go for 30 minutes out then 30 minutes back before spending the day with my honey. I have my third half marathon on Sunday, the Shamrock'n half. I'm excited for this one. I ran it last year and it was a lot of fun (even though I was in new shoes and my feet didn't have a good time). Wish me luck!

I'm in a funk

Yesterday's workout:

Lol, that didn't happen... Rest day


I'm writing this at 8 in the morning sitting on a pillow on the floor with a baby playing by my feet, a dog cuddling next to me, three kids on the other side of the carpet playing with blocks. Another kid is at the table eating and my other dog is standing under the table just I case a muffin crum falls her way. It's a typical morning.

As I'm sitting here it's hard not to notice the crazy amount of dog hair that's all over everything. And that reminds me of what a mess the hallway floor is, and the kitchen floor, and the bathroom floor, and the mounds of laundry that still need to be folded, and the mounds that have yet to be washed. I used to be on top of this stuff. My house was sparkling. My "messy" was other people's "tidy". I had a system and it worked for me. Every room was clean, the laundry was under control and I did it all on my own. Things are very different now.

The kids have gotten older and my husband and I decided they need some extra responsibilities and to contribute to the household. We started giving them each chores and making them responsible for their own laundry. Now my house is a complete disaster and nothing is ever clean. I need to get back to my routine but I can't seem to force myself to do what I know needs to be done. What's wrong with me? I'm not happy the way things are and I know how to fix it. So what's my issue? Why can't I just buckle down and do it? Please tell me that I'm not the only person going through this.

I guess I should put this away and clean something... But I really don't want to.